Lackadaisical

Assalamualaikum bloggie...

I'm so tired. I can't sleep much at night coz I'm probably imsoniac. I opted for idiot-box la instead. Then I'll be sleeping late..very late...and Morning to work is like ..aiyyoo...slam-dunked into the bed. I don't even know why my eyes are so lazy to go to be early these days. It's like ..BAM! next thing I know I don't want to go to bed by 11pm. haaaaa...it's a break for them but the internal program has just started....[one after another...when will I lose weight anyway will all these loads?] it's not even in the mid, I'm already lethargic. So many things at hand and in my brain till I do not know which to pick first. Aiyo ...why la life so unkind to me....

That dentist moment really pinned me down. I am not even in the mood to enjoy my last days of 2008. Haiii...another year older ...*sigh...*

Coupla days ago, a few chatfriends from yahoo appeared ..out of nowhere. Mat_race501 and Vernenaz. Today, another one followed suit - tum_yam2002. Sheesh....freaky..where did these people come from? It was a surprised and I'd say not bad la. I haven't chatted with them for ages. Those days they're like bosom buddies, talking to wee hours ..laughing ...ngarut ngabey ...hu ha..as if TMnet tu bapak memasing punya ...haha. Eversince Xell and I retired, I moved on ...and it didnt cross my mind at all to 'bump' into them again in 2008. Isn't that something.... both mat and vern were babies when they chatted to us. now they're all grown up working and having a blast in their own world. tum_yam attached to Celcom. What a long ..gone...ahahaha anyhow, it's good to know there're still 'friends' who wanted to acquaint. Not all human are evil ... 'aite vern? or should I say ..nenaz :-) I didn't even realize I call u a 'pineapple'. huhu... and then I discovered nenaz's name ...Najib...wah..glam banget...mcm TPM...thanks for allowing me to nag in your wordpress. I wonder where is matrace. Tumyam disappeared before I could finish the chat. I was busy and the server was giving me headache. Yet I cherish the good thoughts they have by keeping in touch with me.

Thank you beautiful people.

The server Keeps disconnecting and our techie is nowhere to be found. Nak jadi techie sangat..tapi slalu hilang..eiii....nak sepak pun budak baik ... [WALAUPUN...............]

I'm waiting for the keys, sleepy and lethargic. Lapar pun ada. Served me right. I'm thinking of grilled cheese tuna and ...Fish. aisshh...astaghfirullahal a'zeeemmm.....

Tooth Fairy Sucks

Assalamualaikum bloggie..why on earth my font is damn big ...or is it my eyes that getting too small?

Have I ever mentioned that I HATE DENTIST! urghhh.....no offense, they are mostly good looking (males laaaa) but why must they be so cruel. Gazillion years ago I had gone through a malicious experience with female dentist at ZS, and whaddayaknow...I walked into a female dentist AGAIN this morning and She SUCKS big time. ARghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...what is sooo wrong with my Luck these days I have no idea. I'm starting to feel jinkies. My mense is killing me, that obnoxious dentist looked like a gargoyle that was about to rip my gums apart and I cannot get rid of this bloody taste in my mouth!!!! aaaaaaaaaa...Tak Suka Tak Suka tak sukaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....

I am scheduled for further treatment. What pissed me off is, why must she be so cruel. Can't she talk nicely meh? what is so freakin' good of being a dentist anyway. if you can't be nice to people go become zookeeper laa....lei chim chii ah? how the heck am i supposed to know what on earth with all the terms of dentistry ..I am not the freakin' dentist here, you are! eii..sepak kang...

I'm still grumpy as of writing this.

Brotherhood - Life's Tapestry

Assalamualaikum ...bloggie..

On Eid's Eve, as I was driving from the dentist, my Heart drove me to my Arwah brother's grave. I haven't visited him for I don't even know how many years. I don't have the chance to know him. He left when I was not even born. But I know I have another elder brother and he has passed on. He is loved by every ONE because he is the eldest grandchildren of the family. He is my mother's apple and he left us on the day of his 9th birthday. September 19, 1970; several years before I was born. I love him and still do- though I never get to know him. He is really cute. We still have his baby nude-photo on the wall at my grandma's. That house is like a museum to all of us. It is filled with our growing up photos. Yet, I rarely visit it. Coz I can't recall everything. I have lost most of my childhood memories due to several accidents I have had. therefore, in my brain is like having a jigsaw puzzle with lotsa missing pieces. what to do ...Life.. :)

This is Abang Di's grave...

The Grave has gone through many years of salt-water erosion and got very rustic. But still intact. Some of the graves there were dislocated due to floods and tides.


Amazingly, The day he was born was the same day he was summoned to Allah's Calling. Al-Fatihah. He is greatly and deeply missed by each and everyone of us in the family.

Mom never talks of his death. I got to know from the villagers ( again...thanks to the keypochiness-er) that he got into an accident upon coming home from school. He was 9. it was his birthday. My mom was frantic upon knowing. She ran in the kampong to the scene barefooted - that's the plot I got from the folks (kinda embarassing jugak ..when satu kampong tau your family's story ..mcm tak de privacy langsung....hish ...)



I grew up dare-not asking my mom about it.. Afraid it would break her inside. He is everything to her. Till one day, I brought my mom to kak ja's house, my mom somehow told us the Real Version of the story, My brother had got into hit and run accident by one of the villagers. His body was left lying by the road to die. Had that bastard have some pity to send my brother to the hospital, he might have survived. I Cried as mom was telling it wholeheartedly at the same time holding her tears back. It was hard for her back then and it is still hard for her now to go down the lane...again. But she is strong. it is I who cry and cry. Knowing the fact that my brother was brutally murdered. To me it NEVER was an accident. IT WAS MURDER. 'nuff said. I was really angry upon knowing. I wanted to face the MURDERER. My mom told me he is dead - reluctantly. Somehow, my instinct says he is still alive. Knowing me, my mom knew I'd run amock with my rage. It's a Destiny for my brother to be Called Upon, I can accept that BUT can't he be a little human by helping him at his dying moment???! NO! that jerk ran off!!! that's what pissed me freakin' A LOT! ...Let Allah SWT punishes him on the Judgement Day for being so Cruel. Jahat ...jahat and very jahat ..Tak Suka.




I left the Cemetery, with mixed feelings. I miss my brother so much though I did not get my chance to even know him. It's the blood that tied us. I knew him through the eyes of others. He is kind, spoilt (like me...hehe), behaved kid, polite and loveable. Come to think of it ..macam I lah ..hehehehe...(prasan plak aku...) Obviously he is a lot better and wiser than me. He is the curer of Hearts for everyone and Now it is me who carries that Duty. only that I have yet to perform my obligation as the Curer...i thought i Did ...somehow ..it's vague ....and bleak...Mom admitted to kak ja, after I was conceived, everything was different. When I came along, she changed, a lot, lightened up way more and somehow I was a Blessing ( i find this hard to believe also ...coming from my mom....hehehehehe) Then how come I often feel the other way around ek ? *grins* entah laaa......



Life is indeed full of surprises. Not like a box of chocolate though, I prefer - Life is like a bottle of ointment; the more you rub it on ...the more soothing it becomes. The more you rub yourself into the fondest memories, the better it gets. It makes you appreciate what you have now before you totally lose it / them. I guess, what or who is missing in my Life is not really Gone...
He has always been with us, he breathes in me, and I didn't realize it until that Eve, when I found him beating inside ...breathing the same air that I do and sharing the same Blood as I have. Thank you God for bringing him closer to me and for letting me know he is actually there to remind us how Beautiful Life is...



Alhamdulillah...

Childhood - Revisited

Assalamualaikum bloggie...

Last week my kampung went through a medium-scale flood. I was so teruja and took the liberty to jalan-jalan in the kampung. The last time I did that was 10 years ago? may be ...it was so long I hardly remembered. Most of my play-mates in the kampung either have grown up, married with 5 children or ..dead (passed on......ishh..mulut....hehe)

with my RED payung ...I jalan-jalan ...i ended up here...

20 years ago, THAT is a HUGE field with nothing. It was a flat barren land. During the floodtime, water would fill up to chest level and my friends and I used to kayuh rakit here, swimming tok sah kata laa....diving from pokok mangga tepi tebing tu ...and tangkap ikan ...hahahahahaha gosh....those were my childhood time back then. tua nya rasa sekarang ....hahahahaha. Now that place is somehow smaller and full of bushes. no more children playing around ...they were busy with playstation 3,4,5,6,7. The houses were a lot bigger in the area...brick some more ...people getting richer and nature is diminishing.....I sat there for a while ...till a neighbor greeted me "Tie ek...." (that was my sister's name btw, in the kampong the whole village definitely know your family lineage...thanks to keypochiness-er around...) and I replied "no...u got my sister's name, am the youngest one..." and the "oooOOOOOOooooo....." yeah......try thinking harder....He left me sitting in one corner looking at the place ...as I was reminiscing my Life back then. I could hear my voice screaming around kampong with bola kaki tiga (rounders laaaa) and then the "Main Boyo (buaya)", cop the Pokok Kelapa and all the whatnots la.....tu belum kira "Main Pekong Tin" hmmm...bodo nya aku dulu ...hahahahahaha for the sake of Games , we'd fight and have 'enemies'. We'd formed our own clan during Mengaji Quran (hahahahahaha....oh God, I could go on and on......)

Then I step a bit further to the Beach, where I used to play around since I was born. Here...

Due to the Monsoon season, years after years ....the Beach has gone thru massive erosion. Only this part of the beach left for the visitors to see. The rests have been set up with embankment along the shorelines...if u walk straight along the lines, it'll bring you to PCB. The folks used to have Wayang kulit @Shadow Play on this beach. 30 years ago, it was a place of sacrifices for the Buddhist to float their Sea Gods (Dewa Laut). I remember, at 2 or 3 am we would be woken up by the chanting of their manteras from the lorry and they carried a giant burning josstick from God knows where and spreaded the ashes of the Deads into the sea and floated the offerings ...According to Geography of the folks, should it manage to float, it'll reach Vietnam on the other side. Amazing, isn't it. Those were the images I can still remember growing up. My aunts, sisters and I would sit at our big window and watched the parade of the Deads. Now. No more. They might have found new "places" for the Deads (may be...)

Then, I walked to the other side, where I used to fish..Ikey Puyu! Here...

20 years ago there we no houses. It was a barren land too. former bendang. it was a massive paddy field when I was a baby. Kat sini la aku meredah selut...hahahahaha mancing puyu...catching grasshopper for the baits, and sini jugak la aku meraung ....kene gigit lintah.hahahaha the lintah-remover would be my 'gang'. They'd come and helped me out. I love being a boss back then. hahahahahahahaha. They had to love me I think, coz I whine a lot hahahaha. It was fun growing up with them. Now, I don't know where they are. Around, but it is me who hardly around. hehehehehe. Most of them didn't even recognize me anymore ....or they simply have forgotten the good times we've shared. I remembered when this was a paddy field, I would hang out with the folks ..disturbing them kepuk padi and cutting watermelon and shared it with other children and orang-orang tua. hmmm...how times have flown. How people have changed.....How politic REEKS...

Those photos were taken 2 days after the flood. I would never go out if the water is still there coz it wasn't as clean as before. People indiscriminately throw rubbish and domestic waste around these days.

What I miss most in my Kampong are the peacefulness and lovingkindness among the People. Unity and harmony are barely exist. Respect, is even way out of question. When you have money, you can talk about respect, otherwise, nobody gives a damn. The culture is reversing and the Malays? Deteriorating.........(pathetic.....)

I have more to share....NEXT!

Show me L.O.V.E

Assalamualaikum bloggie...

I had quite a week last week. It was a packed schedule and hectic. I am also Jk-ing for Final Exam. A job that I'm so-so fond of. Whaddawe know, they all have exam and I too. It was an exhausting week for me.

Tum-tum is dying. I cry (as usual...) ye la mc T...finally it's tum-tum's turn to return to Allah SWT. I have been feeling bad for the past few days. He has been sick due to the infection on his nose. It bleeds non stop and there's nothing I can do in my power to help him. Ubat Gamat didn't help to cure his wound as he tend to scratch his nose coz of the smell....I'm sad...

Now, we only have awouk. The last descendant of tum-tum's and Lulu's family. It's hard to see them dying, lying motionless...the infection got into his left eye. and right cheek....so painful and he has to endure all that ...
Dear God PLEASE take him to You..I cannot stand seeing him suffering like that. I weep upon seeing him in the cage this morning. :( Please tell him I love him very much...we're gonna miss him most.

Still sad....huuuu...

Exam Week

Assalamualaikum bloggie..

My students are about to sit for their final exam next week. Crunch time for them with MKK and last minute ass-saving assignment or extra credit works. Hmm...tiring. I am on my annual leave for a week, and it didn't feel like CUTI...at all. First, I miss work. I miss the food at the cafeteria!(my god...hahahaha) I miss my daily hu-ha at the office, and the phone keeps on ringing... Have I started falling in love with this place??!!! (nooo......hmm...?)

Anyway, I managed to stay away from some of you know-who :) Pa, u knew ..i told u remember? think again ...But it's kinda hard to not notice his absence...'coz he's forever more..PRESENT! adoii....dugaan sungguh ...am i crazy ...sheesh....

and there u-know-who again as I'm writing this. ascending the throne...of my misery hahahahah apa aku merepek ni ......aiiigghhhh does it have to be that obvious sha ? hahahahaha ...masak aku ..masakkkkkkkkk!

hari ni aku kejam. any of my students who has disciplinary problem is barred from checking their standing grades. muhauhauhahaha...evil....hohohoho...

and am listening to archuleta's crush....aii kene atah batang idung sungguH!

KHAMSA HAMNIDAAAAA

Assalamualaikum bloggie..

I came to work and forgot my bag. adoii....i only have one red pen with me. what to mark? the papers are all in The Bag! uwaaaaaaaaaaaa....

SO i decided to check my portal. to my disbelief .......there they were....my results....OH MY GOD....ALHAMDULILLAHHH YA ALLAH.....thank u thank u thank u ......the comments were surprisingly positive...and I was crying ...terima kasih Ya Tuhan...If I can Hug You ..I'd have!

I was jumping joy. And I am still smiling ...Allah SWT ..sudah terlalu banyak Memberi...Alhamdulillah Syukur...

To my friends ....thank you for being my friends...my strength...my life........Semoga Allah Limpahkan Blessings ...and Love to all of Y.O.U

Down Memory Lane..

Assamualaikum bloggie,
this is one of my favorite poems when I was in college.

By Elizabeth Barret Browning

"How Do I Love Thee"


How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth
and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight.
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need,
by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely,
as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely,
as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion
put to use
In my old griefs,
and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love
I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,

--I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!
--and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Blossom..

Assalamualaikum bloggie....

aiighh...past few days have been hectic with nothing. I recovered my sleeps. I reunited with my motivation and I found bliss in submission. Fate is faith. Deal with it a.c.

Last night I dreamed of Cherng (yes...The Cherng) after months of ...his nupz, I have decided to move on without him. The dream was sad. He came to me crying in my arms, even in my dream, I still LOVE him! *sigh...* then again ..a dream is just a dream...i'm not into magic ball or tarot card....all I know he's ..gone....

Luckily, I woke up fine. The dream didn't affect me. May be my subconscious zone is telling his love will never die. His love remains... (isn't it pathetic..hehehehehe)

I came to work smiling. Looking forward to my days. No turning back. I have chosen this path. The journey has begun and I shall continue to thrive...

To fish, you are a Nemo I will never forget. Your presence sparks my day. Unfortunately, you are not meant for my aquarium. You're a passer-by send by Allah SWT to cheer up my days...He knows I'm lonely without not-so-many good friends around with superb sense-of-humor and brain like you do. We speak the same emotion and laugh the similar joke. It is beautiful. Life is beautiful, and yeah.. You are remarkable. Your presence is felt and duly noted. Like the Wind, you too will pass...I can only feel your breeze, yet I cannot keep you....

L OVERS, forget your love,

And list to the love of these,

She a window flower,

And he a winter breeze.

When the frosty window veil

Was melted down at noon,

And the cage yellow bird

Hung over her in tune,

He marked her through the pane,

He could not help but mark,

And only passed her by,

To come again at dark.

He was a winter wind,

Concerned with ice and snow,

Dead weeds and unmated birds,

And little of love could know.

But he sighed upon the sill,

He gave the sash a shake,

As witness all within

Who lay that night awake.

Perchance he half prevailed

To win her for the flight

From the firelit looking-glass

And warm stove-window light.

But the flower leaned aside

And thought of naught to say,

And morning found the breeze

A hundred miles away.

( Robert Frost )

Cold-Blooded Sapien

Assalamualaikum bloggie..
I had a long month... a tiring and about to lose my temper-day. Today, my colleague has been very cruel towards me. What have I done to deserve that? I do not know what is in his mind. But i am really offened by his behavior. His sayings in the forum about me were just hurtful.
I cannot even look at him. Fish, tell me what should I do...inside...my heart aches...even when writing this ...my eyes are watery....I had enough. My life has been ripped apart infront of me and now you too...did this to me?

How COLD BLOODED can you be ...