Coffee Kills

hi bloggie...salam

*yawn* i've had like 2 mugs of coffee and am still yawning. whats up with that? back then coffee helps..now ..coffee kills? i cant sleep anymore...the more I sleep ...more fatigue I'll become. Plus.. I notice that my body doesnt want to sleep more than 5 hours these days. in fact yesterday I thought I would pass out till today ...yet I slept for 2 hours and I was up and awoke already...aa body clock tunggang terbalik...this is worse than jet lag ha ha

listening to music doesnt help either. LOL~

oigh ..hate feeling sleepy and drowsy like mabuk todi like this ....waaaaaaaaaaaaa....

Relief

salam bloggie~

i have been a zomba for weeks now ...with average sleep of an hour a day ...or sometimes i just hit the table coz my head couldnt take it anymore...at 10 am today the write up was complete...at least to me ..let's just hope ...everything is successful. the more i read...the more i know ...yeah ...and i didnt wanna stop writing actually ...coz i keep discovering more and i wanna write all of 'em :)

now that i have finished. i slept! haha but wasnt that long pun...about 2 hours ..and i was up and about. when am home i am not a log...but when am away ....i cant sleep like nobody's business! ha ha

i took the liberty to check on twitter ....who else...sengeet and cik pa la ...hahahahahhaha

i miss the time talkin and merepeking with them. no stress just laugh and pecah perut with carbs...gile byk consumed food ..i dont think i am done flushin them all out yet! hahahahah

no more social network ..not til 2012 appears... i have to rearrange MANY things in life these days ...it gets tangled easily and i hate seeing my life disorganized.....

so my dear friends ...sabaq la na ...AA ada murah lagi..susah2 ..kita turun mess up kan umah cik pa lagi...pa needs the gegeriuh anyways ... :)

now i have to figure out what to do for this evening. tiba2 rasa mcm takde keje nak buat. ngaa~

woyeah~

hi salam bloggieee

i havent had my sleep...i fell asleep while waiting for my supervisor. ha ha i was a dead log right in the waiting area. hihihi letih seiiiii.....BUT!

i love when she gave good remarks to my paper. yay..Ya Allah ..That Indeed Gave me Strength!

now..i gotta figure out..how am i gonna work on nazihah's and Gooi's AT THE SAME TIME. hahaha

nguahahahaha.....bengong me~

but I know ALLAH is There for ME...Thank YOU. I Heart YOU sangat ....

A beginning of an End

assalamualaikum bloggie ...

haigh...i rarely wrote in here these years. not because I merajuk. am juz plain busy with works and non stop routines. i guess i will be coming here often then ..since i have no where to "go" now. heh ..pathetic kan ?

oh well...last week Izzati and I worked our head off for Program Khas. seriously, although i thought i was never ready...the event worked wonders and we had a Blast! we have Program Khas annually and each year it gets special and better. and This is my third year of PK and Thank Allah for makin it smooth and memorable.

and Have I become a better Speaker? or Trainer? :D i dunno...but I enjoyed every moment of it (although I was bleeding badly...inside) The Gift from Allah. He Knows. He Sympathizes Me.

I have many more tips to learn and endeavor along this journey called Life. and Learn I will. I had my last conversation with u-know-who. it was really agonizing.i just cried...and cried. not because I am weak or melancholic, the memories we shared were just abundance and it was played in my mind continuously till I did not know what to do... I just Weep.

Now? I feel much better. I let it all out. May Allah Foster my Heart with Strength and Courage. I have more Events in the future to kick-off. I am so Grateful for Allah's Gift to me - to have a beautiful, strong Heart. ( cewah ...berangan ke? he he ) but really...I found my Peace.

oh ya bloggie ...diam tak diam ..i came across ary's blog. kuasa Allah. but then until now I wonder why... what have i done? ada la tu salah aku mungkin..i must have been so hard on him sampaikan he doesnt wanna be my friend anymore. oh well~ life goes on. Semoga beliau melalui hidup yang bahagia n manis sokmo. he may not hear me, for whatever I did, I am sorry Ary.

as for me? kurniaan Allah sudah terlalu banyak...dan I need to be Thankful.

Time for me to get back to my Writing. and Tomorrow is a New, Bright Sunshinny Day.

I am forever Your Angel. Looking from Far. Godbless.

New Leaf

hi bloggie ..salam

for the first time in my life....i am brave to make this decision and live up to it. I am so satisfied coz I am much braver than before. I Know I am Hurt. But at the same time ..I know this is for the better. Go. From now On....you're on your Own. You're no Longer Close to Me. I set YOU Free.

Thank you for all the Good Times we Shared. The Laughters, The Moments... all the nice Words YOU uttered to me ...those will be A Memory.

It is a Relief to me. To finally be able to Let Go. Thank YOU ALLAH SWT for this Courage. I Owe YOU ...For Ever.

Leaf.... Let's Turn Over~ :)

a wound that is too deep

salam bloggiie..

haa....tonite the air is pretty tight... and suffocating ....

tell me one thing bloggie...how would you feel ...when you are no longer wanted ? day by day you are subconsciously warned and hated through words and actions.

for those who do not know ....if they were to see this the first time.. they would say ..." oh she is teaching her..." "Oh she has all the rights in the world to do that ..."etc....

has she ever held her like everyone else?
has she ever touched her like everyone else?
has she ever spoken to her like everyone else?
has she ever remembered her like everyone else?
Does she even remember her birthday once?
Does she even remember to say "how are you.."?

- No. She has not.
- No. She Never does.

oh yes ...she is fully grown now, an adult ...she would know all....she is not a child...oh for cryin out loud...and there goes the weep and the despair ...

deep down ..there is a deeper wound no one has ever known, no one has ever realized ...it will never Heal. Not even Time can. Not even Patience can...it will Remain a Wound....

being ambitious is a good thing ...being ignored ...good luck with that .. heh :)
sometimes ...there is this wish ..to make it all right ..again ...to make it for the better...to make amend....*sigh*

to even write about it ...is heart wrenching...try living in one bloggie ....
you have no clue~

it could happen to anyone of us

salam bloggie ...
huhu ..semua karatz..blogs...fb ..ym...is that a sign of aging? technologically declined? hehe ...

all i knew ..i feel like closing all accounts...or deliberately change to new password that i wont be able to remember..ha ha ....i have in fact shut down my fb...and left my blogger.com serabut. dont even know who else would be stopping by here...it's creepy. felt like coming to an empty room...freaky isnt it?

this was once ..my playground. sigh...and it's slowly dying...

today i got very annoyed with office team. i had to clean up their mess ...yet again. i really hate doing that...it makes me wanna eat the person's in charge's head LIVE. however she wasnt there. i think she is very lucky. else...i would have swallowed her big time ..and of course I will be at fault tomorrow....for not being "nice"?

what's with human who keeps giving reason for not knowing how to do things around? can't you learn? ask around ...GROW! exactly. what is sooooooooo hard to ASK?

it pisses me off because i gotta deal wth outsiders. people who we wanna keep as our friends...business ...NETWORK...u ...*(#&*(&*(#^#*(^&#*(^)#($*)@(

now? sapa nak jawab? exactly.....aku la jugak muka terconteng kat situ .....hush....shucks...

then when dropped by my rusty fb....ada plak lagi satu yang sakit hati .......dun even know when it's gonna be over..............haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghh...lantak ko la ....ada aku kisah? ( kot...tui tui tui)

ko buat la stunt apa ko nak buat ...aku da tak nak amik kisah ....even at times aku kisah...but aku pun ada hati perasaan ...bukannya kulit babi sampai tak rasa apa kan ....almaklumla ..tebal sangat....huh...

apa2 pun ..I am Fighting. ko buat la apa ko Suka. nanti Allah balas balik...baru ko rasa...

its Final.

hi bloggie..
salam...

tonite i got a clear cut confirmation.
he said it right in front of me.

it confirms. he never cares.
Never.

aigh...that Hurts.

Sedetik Lebih and Its Relevance

assalamualaikum bloggie ..
as usual ..blog ini karatz...
coz i do not know what else .or how else to write. most of my time is occupied with works and also trying to figure out how to walk this life.

am currently listening to Merong Mahawangsa's OST...SEdetik Lebih ..by Annuar Zain...the ever romantic Non Married Malay Guy ...ever...*hawt* hehe

the fact that AZ sang this song is not why am forever glued to it ....the timing of Merong's Debut and the release of this song are just ..perfect. It hit me again with the so called turbulence am having in my life. at the moment.

pls take a closer look at the lyrics...

Setiap nafas yang di hembus setiap degupan jantung
aku selalu memikirkan Mu, dalam sedar di buai angan dalam
tidur dan khayalan ..aku selalu ..memikirkan Mu..
ternyata ku perlu kan Cinta....dari diri Mu Sayang...
Barulah terasa ...ku Bernyawa....

Kasih ku .. Ku Amat mencintai ...Kamu
Kerna Kau Beri erti hidup...Ku kan Terus Mencinta...
Sedetik Lebih~~~ Selepas SelamaNya....

Di kala penuh ketakutan ..dengan badai kehidupan...
ku bersyukur ada nya Kamu
Biarlah kehilangan semua yang di miliki di Dunia
asal Masih ada nya Kamu....

Ternyata Ku perlu kan Cinta...Dari diri mu Sayang baru lah terasa...
Ku Bernyawa....Kasihku...Ku Amat Mencintai Kamu
Kerna beri arti hidup...Ku kan Terus Mencinta...
sedetik Lebih...selepas selamanya...

yeah ...selepas SelamaNya...
****

that will arrive sooner than I expected. I haven't had enough time to even smile with Kamu. Let alone to Laugh. Watching Kamu Fading away...slipping away right under my Nose ...is Painful. Indeed ...undeniably Painful. I'm Bleeding inside ...thinking that Kamu will be Gone~

It's going too fast till I am depressed most of the time. My Doa for Kamu ...is Not Granted I presumed as there is still No Sign of Kamu ...Understanding the Fact that This Heart has Beat because of his Ignorance. An excuse? Why did It Choose Kamu? I do not want to Know. Why does It ever Run to Kamu? Every single time ...I have to Fight this Will. I have to Work extra hard in Forgetting Kamu. When my Brothers were telling me to Let go of the Past, I was Hoping he wants me to Reserve for Kamu....I was hoping dearly inside for It to be Kamu....and I was Not Right. The hope was too much. The hope was looking for its Reason to believe ...that it is Kamu that I chose....Not the Fate.

Kamu,
I miss the times we shared. I just hope you Feel the Same.
Eventhough, you're Not.
I still Hope, in Despair of Truth.

Truth

assalamualaikum ..

hi bloggie ... i have forgotten u for quite a while. thing is..i do not have the time and energy to write longer posts. i am brain tired and missing someone dearly.

I have hurt myself deeply this year. I thought i am moving on. the only thing i did was keep on hurting my heart.

Dear ...I did not mean to keep myself away from you. I miss you too much. I am scared of losing you. I am scared it would be the same ...like ten years ago. If only you knew, how I terribly miss you ...not being able to see you, to talk to you ...or even see your smile ...is a Pain to me. Pain to My heart.

I am sorry ...I do not mean to do this to you. I thought it will help us both. But It is actually Hurting me. I do not know about you....but my Dear ...I think I have Fallen in Love with You. Deeply.

My Prayer to Allah is to Grant me to Love you for HIM...to Love You as part of My Ibadah.

May He Listens to My Prayer.
May You Listen to My Heart, Missing You Dearly~